Wow... it's been forever!

Yup! More than a month has passed and I hadn't written on this thing. I think I'd kind of forgotten I'd started it! Not that hard to forget, really... holidays, studying and the very fact that I got NO replies kinda helps! LMAO!

No worries, I didn't start this to get replies. (Maybe if I keep telling myself that I'll believe it!)

Anyways... Christmas, New Years and Three Kings Day were awesome. I saw my fam, visited with friends and got some pretty cool presents. Too bad I can't really use them right now.

On with the Bar.

It still sucks. Studying this material AGAIN sucks more than it sucked previously. But I must admit, I didn't study before as I am studying now. I am reading things as slowly as I can (being a speed reader that itself is an achievement), I am highlighting things I want to remember (I look back at the stuff I've highlighted and I can't believe it was me who marked those things) and I am practicing old Bar exams. Yup, I am doing it all. Sort of.

If you are paying attention, and I hope you are, you can probably tell that I am not a very disciplined person. And you are absolutely correct in your assumption. I love reading and I love writing. But reading for STUDYING, reading just for the sake of memorizing a bunch of stuff and then vomiting it all on a test is not my cup of tea. I have never been the type to study for hours and make tons of practice sheets. My memory was usually enough to get me A's and B's and I never really strived to be top of my class because I don't really care about those types of achievements.

I want more. I want so much more than just be remembered for being Magna Cum Laude at a Graduation. I want to write the next great book. I want to change the world one person at the time. I want to be able to make a difference... I want to make money and be famous because I know that those two things will give me a voice and once I have that voice I can reach people. And when I reach those people I want to tell them how important it is to care for one another. I want to tell them how amazing life can be if we all saw each other as one part of ONE WHOLE WORLD... yes we are different but our differences don't make us enemies, they make us depend on one another. One heart one world.

I want all of that. And when I sit down and study for this wretched exam I wonder if this is going to help me achieve these goals. When I read the news and see what our legal system is becoming I seriously doubt.... do I want to be a part of this? Obviously I do to some degree... maybe I should start living my dream by trying to be a better lawyer. By trying to make people change their views about todays lawyers and hopefully make them stop seeing us as snakes and see us as professionals who only want to help.

If only.

I will continue to study for this test because it is personal. I want to pass this. If not for working as a lawyer at least to prove to myself that I can be that girl: I can be the girl who sits for hours studying and passes that test solely on the strenght of her studies and not just relying on the memory of four years of night Law School. But I will be that girl only once...

After this I have a whole world out there waiting for me to conquer it.

Watch me do it.

Mariel